I met Tiana in 4th grade. When I first saw her, she was sitting on the first bench, alone like someone who hadn’t learned how to deal with strangers. She was a transfer student. The class was filled with students and laughter but somehow the seat beside her was empty. I was running late that day and every seat was already taken. So I sat with her. I sat beside her out of necessity though it wasn’t my choice but a part of me couldn’t stay quiet because back then I was a little bit of a people-pleaser. So I tried to talk to her. Though she answered shortly but in her eyes, I could see a quiet hope as she tried to say more but because of her poor communication skill, she just couldn’t do that. I could almost feel her helplessness , sitting alone in a room full of people but nobody reaching her. So, I kept talking and trying. Time passed by and slowly we broke the silence between us, not fully, but somehow we did.
She wasn’t like other girls in the class and everyone made sure that she felt the difference. She had hormonal issues so her body grew faster than the rest of us and her face was covered with acne that she always tried to hide with her hair. They didn’t hate her but they used to avoid her the way children do when they see something unusual. But maybe out of habit or exhaustion, she never even tried to be seen.
We weren’t best friends. I had my own group, my own friends and inside jokes. But to her, I was the closest one she had. Though she never told me this directly, I could feel it. Then it started becoming something unfair but unplanned. Because for me, she was only one friend among many but to her, I was the only one. Maybe because I was the first person who ever treated her gently. So being a friend to her was not always easy. But I was a kid, a normal human being and I got tired too. Most of the hangout plans didn’t include her so I could see the pain in her eyes every time I mentioned something she wasn’t part of. And I always felt guilty but I was helpless too.
But she was actually really meritorious and attentive but nobody cared. To everyone she was the girl with no beauty, no charm and no reason to feel valued and seen. So only being good at studies didn’t count. I know it’s cruel and I said it loud-but that’s how people actually treated her. But she always helped me in my studies and my homework and in return? I tried to make sure she felt seen because it was the biggest thing someone could give her. But when I could not meet her expectations, she would get hurt. And what was I supposed to do then? I was just a kid back then. I wasn’t responsible for fixing her broken heart and healing her loneliness all the time. She surely needed more and I didn’t know how to give more. So there was something between us that we both could feel but we never talked about that.
Then one day, everything in her life changed. Her brother fell really sick. At first, I thought it was a fever or an infection and he would recover from that soon. She told me casually so I thought that it wasn’t that serious an issue. Her brother was a year younger than her. He was smart, sociable, intelligent, good-looking, the kind of child that everyone wants. Even teachers and relatives bragged about him. We even liked him. He could easily join our group and blend instantly. So it was painfully obvious that her family treated him differently, louder and openly. Yet Tiana loved him with her whole heart. She never complained and never compared. Whenever she talked about him, it made her face glow a little bit. Their bond was something pure and she could hold this for the rest of her life.
But his illness got so bad that local hospitals didn’t even admit him. They took him to India and they got to know about the illness. It wasn’t just a fever or an infection. He had blood cancer. And the news stirred something inside her. The girl who at least used to study and stick to a small routine now she has become something else. She still came to class but she wasn’t really mentally there. Her family was badly struggling emotionally and financially but luckily they had rich relatives so they helped with everything they could. But there was an endless uncertainty that grasped her slowly.
A few months passed like that. Her family was praying, crying and fighting with their last drop of hope like they were waiting for a miracle. And one afternoon I heard it that I didn’t want to hear, her brother had died. The words hit me harder than I expected. That world felt strangely quiet that day. I didn’t call her. I didn’t text her, not because I didn’t care. What else can I say to someone whose world has just been ripped apart? I told my other friends about that and their reaction was a simple nod, a deep sigh or just saying “Oh…it’s sad”. For a moment, I thought how could they be so heartless, so cruel. Then I realized they didn’t know her the way I did. They didn’t know the bond that we shared. They weren’t emotionless, they were just distant from her.
She didn’t come to school for 2 weeks. So I finally called her. She answered on the third ring. Her voice sounded really empty. Tiana had always been quiet but this time it was hollow, it was different. I didn’t know what to say. Every sentence I made up in my mind felt useless, every word felt small to console. I didn’t want to lie saying it was okay because it could never be. So I simply said, “Come to my home. Maybe talking will help you a little.” She paused for a moment and said , “hmm…” and hung up. There was no crying, no explanation just trying to understand how to hold the pain that wasn’t mine.
After her brother died, something changed in her home that it didn’t feel like home anymore. Her mother became overprotective in a way that it felt like fear. Fear of losing the only child she had left? Fear of something would take Tiana away from her?
Whenever I went to pick her up for a simple hangout, she always had an accusing expression on her face. She would speak harshly to Tiana–as if showing me that her daughter belonged inside, under her watch, under her pain and grief, under her suffocation. I could not imagine how it felt for Tiana. But she didn’t fight. She used to share everything with her brother and now she had no one. Not even me, not fully. She was buried and re-buried under the weight of grief carried by her and her mother.
I tried, I really tried. But every time I went to see her, I felt a heavy guilt in my chest. It felt like I was responsible for something I didn’t cause. Her mother’s coldness, her silence- everything felt so heavy that I couldn’t breathe. It was a loop of sadness that wasn’t even mine. That time I was in 7th grade. I couldn’t be stuck in that loop. I needed peace, fun, laughter–I needed normalcy. So I stepped back. Not all at a once, I didn’t ever want to but…I did. I stopped contacting her often. And one day the distance was no longer temporary. I really wanted to stay but didn’t know how. So I left out of exhaustion, out of suffocation.
That wasn’t the hardest part. It was how I felt after that-because deep down, I knew I should have stayed. I should have been there for her. That is what a good friend should do. So even though I regretted it, even though my heart screamed that I shouldn’t walk away, I did…Now years later, I know almost nothing about her. She is not on any social media. No posts, no updates, no sign of life that I could at least know if she is okay or not. A mystery that I couldn’t solve and was never meant to be. And I still wonder- What is she doing right now? Does she still stay alone? Does life ever get kinder to her? I don’t know. But I truly, deeply want her to be happy wherever she is. I hope the world decides to love her more and give everything she wants.
- Fatema Jamal Aparajitahttps://www.thepapyrus.org/author/fatema-jamal-aparajita/
